I never grasped or truly understood the concept of limbo until recently. The thought that you’re drifting between moments of 'whatever' with no solid direction; just a mindless and trivial routine that eats away at all hope. I don’t feel alive anymore. I keep searching in the darkest corners of the internet for some relief from this feeling to no avail. I then usually fall into a YouTube wormhole of cat videos to stir some sort of emotion other than anxiety in my belly.

But after the frustrating and demoralising panic/distraction cycle, I always seem to end up back in front of my reflection, forced to gaze upon my (perceived) continuous failure as a human being.

Everyone else seems to be managing okay, why can’t I?!

This brings me nicely onto what I now what to write about...success.

What is success?

Everywhere I look, I see success, but it always feels beyond my reach. Completely and utterly unobtainable for someone like me.

I made the mistake of logging into my Linkedin account the other day and upon the slow and agonosing loading of my home feed I was met by a wave of happy, smiling, suited and booted #successful people thrusting motivational quotes in my face like they were going out of fashion.

I want to state for the record that I am happy for these people. This is in no way bashing them for being this way, but rather a pick me up for those people who, like me, find themselves comparing their lives with people like this and feeling inadequate or feeling as though they've gone wrong somewhere if their life doesn't look as 'together' as someone else's.

I can't pretend i'm not envious of those people who always seem perfectly preened and walk around leaving a sense of 'everything is working out for me' in the air as they glide gracefully past you.

But the truth is, despite appearances, most of us don't really have our shit together and life is just a string of trial and error moments where we try to figure out what the hell we're doing whilst trying to keep our heads above water. Sometimes I turn up for work in full power dress, complete with polished nails and eyelashes...and other times I turn up for work looking like Miss Trunchbull, in gym pants and a baggy top with an obvious breakfast stain staring all my colleagues in the face. It's a life lottery, I wake up and deal with whatever card has been dealt to me on that day.
No sleep, panic attacks all night, wallowing in desperate sadness = Miss Trunchbull day...but you know what, that's okay.

There are certain societal expectations that are thrust upon us from birth and reiterated to us at most of life's milestones (I'm looking at you people who remind me that i'm not married yet and don't have a baby) and that somehow once we acquire these 'life points', we will win at being successful.
Get good GCSE's, go to University, travel, get a good job, find a partner, buy a house, get a dog, have some children, retire...congratulations you've got the top score in life. You are a winner.

The problem with these expectations is that they never factor in any the bumps in the road we may face along the way which often result in us diverting down a different path, which in turn won't always result in any of the things i've listed above.
But we are conditioned to believe that it makes us inferior or that we have failed if we don't have the good job or the house or the spouse or the children.

Our society is one in which success seems deemed by the figures your salary, the houses you own, the businesses you run, the cost of your car.
But this isn't Monopoly. And it's crucial to remember that mental illness does not discriminate.

So just because from where you're sitting it looks as though someone has it all, you should tell yourself that looks can be decieving and more often than not, everyone is going through their own personal struggles.

That's why it's imperative to concentrate on your own journey, and not let yourself be swayed by someone else's.

I'm here to remind you what I tell myself when I start punish myself for not being 'normal' or 'successful' or my envy of other peoples lives begins to cast a cloud on my own self worth (note to self: must stay off Linkedin!)...

Sometimes success is still making it to that relatives birthday party despite having a panic attack a few hours prior.
Sometimes success can be revealing to a friend how bad you feel.
Sometimes success can be calling the samaritans when you are having suicidal thoughts.
Sometimes success is holding down any job despite having crippling depression.
Sometimes success is putting one foot in front of the other and hoping for the best.
Some days success to me is getting out of my bed, showering and getting through the day...

Success is subjective and intangible.

Success doesn't have to be counting your banknotes in your mansion, or flashing your expensive watch on Instagram, or letting everyone know how much of a #girlboss you are because you run three businesses...

Success is found in the moments when you feel like you've achieved something...anything...that enables you to find some hope in the day when everything around you is telling you to give up.

True success is within each and every one of us, it's that fire in our belly that keeps us pushing forward, it's the dreams of a future we keep in our minds and that hope that we hold in our hearts.

Don't allow anyone or anything to take that away from you!